Let me forewarn you that this blog is going to contain some very personal things. I am typically an EXTREMELY private person - as those who know me well already know - but I just felt I needed to open up a little and share a few thoughts with you.
So here goes...
I think it was about two Sundays ago, I was on my way to church service. I was praying, and asking the Lord about certain things that were on my heart, and reached a place in that prayer where I was just in tears. I have felt such a call to a sacrificial trust in the Lord since the last General Assembly, and feel like I am SO FAR away from that! I asked the Lord why, when it comes to certain things, is it seemingly SO HARD to trust Him?! It should be quite simple, really. So then I squalled, "Lord, what's wrong with me that I can't trust you?! I mean, there HAS to be a reason why. There has to be something lurking around in my heart and mind that creates such a hindrance, and causes me to only go so far with respect to certain things. I want to know what it is, Lord, so we can deal with it and move on!" If any of you have ever prayed anything like that, you know how you feel in those moments - without an answer, vulnerable, and just begging God to just wave His hand and *ZAP* you're changed in an instant.
As I was trying to wipe my tears away so I could see the road and drive, the thought came to my mind that trusting the Lord comes from KNOWING HIM. And you know, I have to confess - although I was saved for the first time at age 11 - that would be close to 21 years ago - and have attended church and been around Christian people ever since - the fact is that I had not completely, totally, surrendered my life to Him until August 2008 - some 20 years later. If you do the math, that has only been 7 months ago.
What I'm saying is that I have really, truly, genuinely only been in a journey with the Lord for 7 months. Now sure, it is possible to get to know the Lord very deeply within 7 months. And learn a lot about the Word, and how to live it. But trust is a completely different concept. Sure, we all know in our minds that we can trust the Lord. But I have realized that trusting in Him from the heart takes living it out day by day. After all, it's about being totally persuaded that He really is trustworthy, just as He says.
And ever since Sis. Smith began the Ladies' Bible study "Lord, Change Me," I feel as though heaven has me under a microscope. I suppose this realization is all a part of the CHANGE PROCESS. Well if that's the case, so be it. If I have spent so many years of my walk with the Lord living according to the same old patterns of thinking, then obviously He is trying to renew my mind, because that's where it all starts.
Well anyway, I tried to keep it as brief as possible. Thanks for taking the time to read this. And thanks for your prayers. I am a piece of work y'all!!!
*Shanna*
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About Me
- SparrowThoughts
- I am who I am because the Lord is God! I was born and raised in Tennessee, attended college in Virginia, and traveled quite a few places in my day. I enjoy the work that the Lord has assigned me for this season of my life and just desire that He receive glory and honor in everything that concerns me.
5 comments:
Very sweet post. God bless you on your journey. But, still, I'm amused that you feel this is a "very personal" post. HA! But I commend you for trying. There aren't exactly any "juicy details" or anything, but I'm glad you're making baby steps towards a complete spilling of your guts. :-P
Seriously, though, I'm so thrilled to hear your testimony and I rejoice that you have embarked on an exciting new journey of faith and trust!
I suppose I'll have to make the next one juicier. lol!!! :o)
Okay I had this long post and lost it, don't you just hate it when that happens? I wanted to say this is a really good post. I also wanted to tell you what a blessing your boost was to me at Youth Convention! May God bless you on your trust journey. We are all on one in some way, shape, form or fashion. What is really amazing is that God cannot be unfaithful just because we are working on our trust issues. He is so good like that. He will be trustworthy through it all! What a wonderful God we serve, that he would care enough to be patient with me, when I am impatient with myself!!!!!!!
March 31, 2009 11:37 AM
I guess God is working on a lot of us...just in different areas. He has been working on me with the area of true worship vs. praise and wow! The intimacy that I feel now with the way He is teaching me to worship Him is so incredible and the doofy grin I walk around with is hard to erase, regardless of how other people act. There is such a joy and excitement in walking with Him every day.
So glad you shared. It may not have been as deeply personal as some would have liked *wink* but it is a blessing to know that you are willing to share the struggles and how God is working in your life...builds faith in those who get to see what God does in that situation.
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